Returning Home Letter
Notice of Return
Issued in solemn warning this ……….day of…………..
To the neighbors, friends and relations of…………………
Very soon the above named sailor will be in your midst once more, dehydrated, radioactive, and demoralized, eager to regain his place in society as a human being, entitled to liberty and justice, whilst engaged in the somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness.
In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back to civilization, you must make some allowances for the crude environment which he has been his unfortunate lot for the last …………. months. In brief, he may be suffering from “tankeritus”, “sweatitus”, “rashitus” or even the shakes, (a common local complaint brought on by the consumption of too much Tiger, Green Chicken, or C.S.B), and he may have become a little Eastern in his outlook in life.
His diet, to which he has grown accustomed, should, for the first few weeks at least, consist of tinned milk, (watered down considerably), dehydrated potatoes or other canned vegetables. Fresh or rich foods, especially milk should be avoided for the first few weeks and then only introduced gradually. His only meat should be corned beef or spam. If he should prefer to eat his food with his fingers instead of the normal eating utensils please smile nonchalantly in an understanding manner.
Show no alarm if he prefers to sit on the floor instead of a chair, always kicks his boots off before entering the house, wears only a towel and “flip flops” when visiting the neighbors, or has a tendency to avoid anyone important. Side track him from partially filled coaches for he will almost certainly regard them as organized parties to the local brewery.
Do not allow him on the roads unaccompanied for it may prove his undoing. Traffic he has forgotten and rather than walk, he will sit on the pavement for hours muttering things about “Fast Black” or waiting for some tourist to take pity on him and offer him a lift.
Do all his shopping for him. And by continual repetition, help him understand that all kinds of bartering, haggling, cajoling or even physically threatening are taboo in your land of civilization..
His wife must be kind, considerate and thoughtful at all times particularly when he takes a sum of money from his pocket to give her each morning. Always check his socks before washing as you’ll usually find a few hidden Pound notes, guilders, yen etc. he has put there for emergencies.
His language maybe rather embarrassing at times, but in a short time he can be taught to speak modern English again instead of his course Anglo-Saxon. Never tell him the chap down the road working with Shell Tankers has got promotion again and never make flattering remarks about the Royal Navy in his company.
For the first few months, (until he has become house trained), be particularly watchful when he is in the company of women, especially young and beautiful specimens for he is likely to enter into discussions on prices, services rendered and money matters in general. His intentions are sincere but entirely dishonourable. Treat this man with kindness, tolerance and the occasional quart of good whiskey and you will be able to rehabilitate that which is but a hollow shell of the happy person you once knew.
Sent in by John Breckon
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